Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
