Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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