shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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