I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
