You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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