new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize