if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
