you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize