What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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