i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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