I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
