Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
