How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
