just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
