my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize