she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
