Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
