textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
