you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
