why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
