dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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