dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
