you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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