I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
