I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
