He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
