I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
