I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
