I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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