I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Shame is for Republicans.
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