It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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