His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
