Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
