i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
