i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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