At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
did i just pee glitter
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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