Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
