Whats the glycemic index on semen?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
