just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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