Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
