who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
