Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
