bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize