I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
