My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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