we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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