I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My breasts were aching with rage.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
