Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
