Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
