what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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