birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize