I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I need water and some morals
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
