i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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