I love black thongs
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
