Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
