She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I smell like Dick and happiness
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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