Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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