I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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