Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
