I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
